So, it's 4 a.m.

4:32 a.m. to be exact. And for some reason, I can’t stop thinking about how scary the Predator is. Predator is a movie from the late 80s starring Arnold Schwartze-Nword and it’s about an extraterrestrial that comes down to earth with one purpose: hunt and kill all living things. And it does just that the entire movie. So, I’d like to just take a moment and talk about how GD terrifying the Predator is.

First, let’s start with the obvious; it’s an alien. That means that his planet’s technology is so sophisticated that it can successfully deploy and land this creature on another planet god knows how many light years away. The Predator is fully equipped with technology that is lifetimes ahead of our capabilities. Technology including a laser blaster attached to its damn shoulder that can blow away trees, an atmosphere-adapting breathing apparatus, fucking translucent camouflage, and an arm-nuke that can destroy 80 city blocks. We have the iPhone X, they have voice replicators that can mimic and regurgitate anything it hears in perfect clarity. Disadvantage, us.

Second, the Predator is fucking HUGE! In my quick google search, I found that the designer/creator of the Predator, Stan Winston, wanted him to be “menacing” to look at and had his preferred size listed at 2 meters…which is 7' 2" tall. That’s Shaquille O’Neal, folks. The actor who originally played the Predator, Kevin Peter Hall (RIP), was 6’ 10”. So, they couldn’t even find someone huge enough to play him for the film. Ever been to an NBA game? Ever felt small and weak standing next to a bouncer at the club? Well, that’s the size we’re talking about here. You’re probably thinking that since he’s that big, he’s not that agile. I mean, Shaq is huge, but if you got a head start, you could probably outrun him. Well, you’d be wrong, my friend. Not only is the Predator the size and width of a building entryway, but he's as agile as a cat on cocaine. In the movie, he EASILY traverses the jungle landscape, filled with vines, enormous trees, gigantic rocks, and screensaver-like waterfalls that would make TLC blush. There is one scene where he skydives down from, I don’t know, 80 stories high, and gently leaps from one branch to another until he lands perfectly on his feet on the ground below. I don’t even think he stretched. Just ho-hummed his way down like he was bored. Also, he has Olympian track and field speed. There is a scene where he and Dutch (Ahnold) finally come face-to-face, and after the Predator jokingly slaps him around for a few minutes, Dutch flees in fear as fast as he can. I mean, truly running for his life. And the Predator is at one point skipping behind him, while chasing him. Skipping! I don’t know how fast you skip, but I doubt you could skip and maintain closing speed on a fully-grown man running away from you.

Third or fourth (I lost count), is that he is doing all of this killing for fun. He came to earth to hunt for sport. He took out two fully armed and fully capable military forces in a matter of days. Don’t forget, Dutch’s team, which was the best of our best (per Dillon - RIP), was ordered to go and kill whoever took out the first team of green berets. They figured that the first team had to have been wiped out by another highly trained team. Nope…just the Predator. Just one alien farting around on earth, and killing every country’s best killers. And he does it laughing the entire time - in the exact laugh of the dude he just killed. The Predator went out and systematically annihilated our best and strongest fighters like he was playing FORTNITE. If he could sweat, the Predator would not have broken one.

And lastly, his face. His god damn face, is truly haunting. With his mask on, the Predator is just plain scary. He has tentacle-like dreadlocks and big bug eyes that stare at your body heat, making it unable for you to hide anywhere. With his mask off, the Predator is even more frightening. Four mandible fangs cover his mouth. Beady yellow eyes lay above them with his snake-like skin layering his head and body. Oh, and in case you weren’t scared by that image, he also has a nightmare-inducing scream that sounds like a Bengal tiger mixed with an oil drill mixed with a Lamborghini engine. When he does scream, those four fangs shoot outward like a tarantula pouncing towards you. If your underwear is still clean by this point, you’re not a human being.

So let’s recap: the Predator is a cunning, technologically-advanced, NBA center-sized, ungodly athletic, and visually horrifying creature that kills for shits and giggles. I mean, he was only bested in the movie by getting way too cocky and way too cavalier in his final killing approach. Dutch had to get lucky and drop a mega tree stump on him, that he easily could have avoided had he been paying attention. Simply put - the Predator is the scariest fictional character ever created. Not Freddy, not Jason, not Mike Myers, not Leatherface, not Jigsaw, not Hellraiser, not Pennywise, not Annabelle, not the Purge people, not Chucky, not Norman Bates, not Candyman, not Cujo, not Dracula, and not the white people from Get Out.

There is only one.

The Predator